Staring at Walls

It turns out that one thing I've always naturally done, but felt badly about, is perfectly acceptable, even considered a valuable practice.

I am given to staring at walls.  

I used to see this as a character flaw. There were so many useful things I could have been doing instead. Accomplishing things.  Experiencing things. So much of life was passing me by as I sat and stared. Or so I thought.

I admire the do-ers of the world. A part of me so wishes I could be like them. But now, a larger part of me simply accepts. I am who I am. And I do. I just do differently than some others.

I started this blog to chronicle my attempt to change myself into the person I wanted to be. Does it seem like I'm giving up? I'm not.  

Sometimes you look for one thing and find another. Or, look for something and find it where you didn't expect it (like right in front of your nose). Like Dorothy in the "Wizard of Oz" who found that what she really wanted was home, which was what she had. What I wanted is right in front of me - or, more precisely, within me - George Harrison's, "Life Goes on Within You and Without You" makes ridiculous sense to me these days. Given that when I meditate I concentrate on feeling the air going in and out of my nose, what I was looking for really is right in front of my nose! (Somehow though, I doubt the derivation of that expression comes from meditation.)

Maybe the biggest change I needed was to see that I am fine the way I am. I've always had a good self-image (at least once I got past my twenties!).  But this is a different, deeper acceptance. 

I realize that staring at walls has served me well.  (And that it has a name: meditation! - and all those years I thought I was just slacking!) 

Staring at walls allows me to accomplish and experience things.  It's what gets me to: recharge, find my beliefs, challenge my behaviors, dream of the future (which, it turns out, is great intention work and not just wasting time).  Now, I've added praying and even working on healing both myself and others (which is definitely a grand experiment for me).

When I haven't spent time in this way, I've gotten caught up in blindly following society and the people around me (and although, I haven't been lead down any paths of evil, I have at times been lead away from myself and my beliefs).  When I don't do this, I tend to be even crankier than usual (yes, dear friends, I can be quite the crank - just ask my family!  My apologies, family - I'm working on it.)

I find it cool that I had this insight last night, on the eve of the Last Day of School.  I had many plans for this year.  Some achieved (redid the den), some not (neither redid the kitchen, nor finished my kids' scrapbooks).  But many things I didn't even conciously know were on the list were accomplished: started writing (the blog, yay!); went to Kripalu for a weekend - with a friend (yay!) and studied with Dr. Joe Dispenza; although it's still evolving and I don't yet have a name for it, found  God (will use that name now for lack of a better one at this point); discovered that I can, in fact, garden (after 15 years of failure I was losing heart); didn't redo the kitchen (which is good because I now don't want the kitchen I wanted last year!); recognize the interconnectedness of everything, myself included; am learning to surrender control. Not bad for ten months labor for a person who seemingly spends vast amounts of time staring at walls.

So, I'm off, to sit and stare. Actually, I'm off to officially "meditate" and rather than doing what I've always done, when I meditate, I close my eyes. It matters not one bit. 

Namaste

p.s. - Ironically, until last year, when I took Leonard Perlmutter's class in the Art and Science of Yoga Philosophy, when I was taught to meditate, I thought I was a terrible meditator. Turns out I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I was!