....(sounds of skidmarks in the background). Nothing major. Just "eh". March is very Februaryish (cold, gray, icy, dark, wet). The Vegan Experiment is going, but there are moments where I'd love a piece of good old American cheese, or to eat anything from a bakery without checking the ingredients My routine is feeling, well, .... routine.
And my mind's been boinging all over the place, and sometimes when it boings, it can get to thinking some pretty negative things, even mean-spirited, catty, and decidedly petty things. Not to mention nervous thoughts, which seem to be a specialty of my mind.
But...this is where my practice comes in. The things I "intend" for myself each day (said to myself at the end of my meditation) are to practice ahimsa (non-harming), satya (truth telling), mindfulness (being aware of each moment), radical acceptance (accepting each moment as it is), and to practice lovingkindness and compassion. So, I notice when I'm having a cranky, petty, mean-spirited thought. For example, a friend called today - he'd been unexpectedly hospitalized yesterday. His cat had surgery the day before and my friend asked me to go over to his house to feed and medicate his cat. Normally, I'd do this happily - I'd be glad to be in a position to be able to help. Today, I did it grumpily, wondering why my friend had waited so long to call. Now, I realize that was pretty nasty of me - obviously he had other things (such as his emergency surgery) on his mind. But, there it is. Bad news: bad thoughts on my part. Good news: I noticed Better news, I took care of his cat. Other good news: I'm not going to beat myself up all day over my bad thoughts. That's what minds do: they jump around like monkeys in the jungle, first here, then there, good thoughts, bad thoughts. I'm sure I'm not the only person around who'd rather that even their best friend not know everything going on in her mind! The idea is to notice wherethe mind goes and then....
Deal with it. Learn to control it when it needs controlling. So, I didn't let my grumpiness get in the way of my doing the right thing. And I'm not going to dwell on why my friend didn't call earlier so I could have done this chore at my convenience (except for maybe the time it took to write that). Another example, my not-so-good friend Fear, who walked side-by-side and step-by-step with me for so long. He's back. He's not hanging around as much as he did until last year, but he's been dropping by at odd moments lately. This is how I deal with him: as soon as he shows up (and I'm now very good at noticing him as soon as he does so), I say to myself, "Inner Dweller, I humbly and lovingly sacrifice my fear to you. Please burn it in your eternal flame. Send it back to the origin from which it came. Thank you but I no longer need it nor want it." This is the process that my Yoga teacher, Leonard, taught me and it works. I don't think the actual words matter. It's a way of acknowledging what's going on and that I don't wish to continue it. I used to have to do this over and over (and over) to deal with a specific fear, now I can usually dispatch with fearful thoughts after only a few repeats (if even that many).
The Vegan Experiment (see, I warned you I'm all over the place!) is still operational. I think today may be the 11th day. I found out (the hard way, of course) that it's a bad, bad thing to run out of fresh food if you're vegan. Over the weekend, I ran out of fresh vegetables and much else I'd need to cook good meals. Dinner on Saturday was a frozen veggie burger (that had probably been in the freezer than longer than I'd care to know) on a white bread hamburger roll (ditto) and frozen french fries. Yuck! I almost never eat this way (thank goodness ketchup is vegan)! I also discovered that Pillsbury frosting is vegan (although it may not actually count as food). I got hungry enough and desperate enough for sweets to eat some (which proves that health concerns are not my main motivation for eating vegan although you'd think I'd try to eat healthfully if I'm already being so careful about what I'm eating). After the Saturday fiasco, I was at the food coop when it opened on Sunday. I loaded my shopping cart with good, healthy vegan ingredients and food (including carob dipped rice cakes and dairy-free chocolate chips). Later on Sunday, I went to another healthy foods store (It's Only Natural in Stuyvesant Plaza), where I found a vegan black and white cookie (my all time favorite). Although the vegan cookie was not quite up to NYC's Zaro's standards (that is quite simply, the best cookie in the world), compared to processed frosting in a can, it was wonderful.
And now, to return to joy. At times lately, although not in the last few days, I experience joy. Not the, "Oh my goodness, I just gave birth to this beautiful, healthy baby" kind or the, "I just won the lottery kind." The spontaneous kind. Where suddenly everything is perfect (even though it's not). The problems of the world, myself, whatever problems my friends and family have, it's all still there but, somehow, there's still a feeling of being swaddled by perfection. I believe some call this bliss, or perhaps grace. Whatever. I'll take it whenever it comes. Gladly. Gratefully.
And now I'm off: 2:05 p.m. - it's time to get back to the routine and start chauffeuring kids around.
Namaste.
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